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There are two distinct types of sex. One is a completely ravishing, almost telepathic act between lovers. The other feels little more than a standard cardio workout, leaving you in a cold, rather than hot, sweat. Ultimately, it’s the first kind of sex that tells you he’s a keeper. But what if it doesn’t happen right away? How do you know if he’s worth investing more time in?
\r\nKeeper sex doesn\'t always happen immediately. With my last boyfriend, it took us a few months to perfect it. But I still, somehow, knew that it would happen eventually. It’s all about spotting the right signs.
\r\nIt took me a while to work out what I was looking for. When I was in Florence recently, I had a stark encounter with an extreme form of non-keeper sex. I now refer to it as my ‘two-hour stand’. He was attractive, fun and seemed like a safe bet, in all senses of the word, for a quick hook-up. We went back to his friend’s house, a three-minute walk away, and got down to business. Well, he got down to business, I just went along with it, sort of enjoying it in a detached ‘look at him go’ way, and certainly feeling glad for the end of a long dry spell. But, as soon as it was over – which was basically when he got tired and his friend called to ask why he wasn’t at their party – I excused myself and walked back to my hotel.
\r\nClearly that was an obvious example, but what if the signs are more blurred? I set out to find out during research for my book
What the Hell is He Thinking? I spoke to hundreds of men in an attempt to unlock their mysterious behaviour. You know, all those little things we discuss at length over a bottle or three of Sauv Blanc. All I had to do was pin down the telltale sex signs that he’s really into you. Here’s what I found...
Before sex: 1. Its pace, not race
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You know that feeling of disappointment when you’re enjoying the kissing and neck-nuzzling when, hang on, is he reaching for the condom already? You’ve still got your jeans on and he’s standing there, pants around ankles, with a look on his face that says “Is it time yet?” Yes, there’s a place for frenzied quickies but that’s only when you’re both in the mood for some speed-loving. Keeper sex means never feeling like you’re being rushed, even if it happens after 10 seconds of foreplay or none at all. The key is that you want it at the exact moment that he does. It’s all about being in tune with each other. Feeling happy with the speed with which he tears off your clothes is crucial for not feeling objectified. And, as I learned from man after man while writing my book, they either see you as girlfriend material or booty-call flesh. Mr speedy is usually after the latter.
Before sex: 2. Kissing is key
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couple kissing
As old-fashioned as it sounds, Cher had a good point when she crooned that ‘it’ is in his kiss. Sometimes we approach foreplay as a number of bases to be ticked off before you get to the finish line. But, for me, if the kissing is good enough to lead straight to sex, bypassing all other foreplay, you’ve got yourself a winner.
Before sex: 3. Is he listening?
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\r\nFor many women, foreplay is integral to their orgasm. This is where a guy can really score points and show he’s for real, and it all comes down to him being a good listener. It’s not a good sign when he simply chooses something he likes, say, vigorous oral sex and plunges downwards, not having bothered to see if you like it. He\'s so carried away with his performance that your preferences get sidelined. So he needs to ask (not necessarily verbally – trial and error is good, too) and listen, then respond to your moans and signals. There’s nothing worse than clockwork sex: a man hammering away until he’s done. The one who rolls with the flow instead of sticking to his own schedule is the one worth seeing again.
Before sex: 4. Generosity
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\r\nIt’s not enough that he occasionally gives you what he knows you want, while you\'re busy breaking your jaw to please him. As with every aspect of a relationship, there has to be reciprocity. In the early days of sex, though, I think the generosity should be tilted towards you. Women tend to feel less comfortable and more body-conscious during sex with someone new, whereas men are generally easier to bring to orgasm. So he should be putting in maximum effort to please you, be it orally, manually, or any other way you desire. More risqué fetishes should be reserved for a little further down the line.\r\n
During sex: 5. Ladies first
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\r\nA keeper tries his hardest to focus on your pleasure for as long as possible – preferably for as long as it takes for you to come. Ideally, he’ll do it in a way that doesn’t make you feel under pressure, and that means being patient. If it’s taking a while, as it often can with us ladies, and you\'re both getting tired, a reassuring ‘shall we take a little break?’ from him can go a long way. Then you can start again with renewed energy, comfort and sexiness, after some cuddling and pillow talk.\r\n
During sex: 6. Riding proud
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\r\nHe makes you feel body-confident by encouraging you to go on top. For a lot of women, this is excruciatingly hard with someone you haven’t been with for very long; boobs swinging, belly exposed. But it’s the best sex for many of us, and a keeper knows this and encourages it. He’ll also show he’s appreciating your body in whatever position it’s in – cupping and kissing your breasts or pulling you against his chest are nice ways of showing he is all about your
bootay, whether it’s swinging around, folded into the odd spare tyre or laid out beneath him.
During sex: 7. Coming clean
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\r\nIf you can talk about, as well as demonstrate, your hottest desires with him, it’s a good sign that this relationship has legs. You feel comfortable enough to come clean about fetishes and fantasies (although perhaps save the most extreme ones until later!). If he encourages this through dialogue – not just dirty talk, but chat that shows he’s really interested in what you want – that’s a good sign, too. Equally, if he’s being honest about his own desires, fantasies and insecurities, this not only shows he trusts you but that he’s sexually mature and true to himself. Always a good sign, ladies.
During sex: 8. Back in the room
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\r\nEver been having sex with someone you’re really not sure has his mind on the job - or worse, he’s asleep? The key to connection isn’t just about physically having sex. It’s about eye contact, talking to each other throughout (not just before and afterwards) and being totally engaged in one another. If you’re whispering in his ear while he’s got one eye on
Match of the Day, it’s fair to say that he’s not entirely focused on the job at hand. Or your feelings for that matter.
After sex: 9. The after-show party
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\r\nOne of the most telling signs of a keeper is how he reacts once the main event is over. If he’s hot-footing it out the door before you’ve even got your breath back, then I think your answer is obvious. But it’s also worth knowing that a number of the men I spoke to during my book research told me that the only time a man
isn’t thinking about sex is during those minutes just afterwards. That’s why tender cuddling and sleepy whisperings, which continue to make you feel sexy long after the sex is over, are good signs of his relationship longevity. Nice touches include bodily contact, not falling asleep straight away, asking how you feel and saying that he enjoyed it. Because when all’s said and done, a job isn’t complete without the aftercare.\r\n
After sex: 10. Safety first. And last
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\r\nIt’s very easy, in the heat of the moment, to let all talk of contraception slide straight out the window when you’re too busy focusing on the dirty talk. But a real keeper will kick off the condom conversation in the sexiest of ways and at just the right moment before you get down to business. What’s more, he’ll expertly and discreetly get rid of it while you’re about to drift into a post-orgasmic nap. Even better is that this guy will still be here when you wake up, ideally cooking breakfast!\r\n
