Ive just sprinted past the 27 mark which, in our culture, means that every step I take is headed towards the aisle. To be fair, when I was 16, even
I assumed Id be married with kids by now. Id have a house with a garden, and my husband, Jake Gyllenhaal, would be building a treehouse out the back. Completely caught up in the fantasy, it all sounded so simple.
But now three, long-term relationships and two proposals later Ive realised I can scarcely commit to a sandwich, never mind a man. Marriage just doesnt make sense to me. I dont know that I can see myself spending the REST of my life with the same person. It just doesnt seem natural.
Marriage was invented in a time when we didnt need divorce, because we had tuberculosis, the plague and dysentery (thats right, you could literally shit your way out of matrimony). People generally died in their mid-20s. I could do ever after till, well, now! But I wonder, had they known people would one day live into their nineties, would they still have cemented us in this lifelong contract?
People grow and change constantly. This illusion that you form a mould that you never break out of, as soon as you become an adult, is a dangerous lie. It imprisons you in some hostage situation of expectations to live up to. Nobody needs that. Life is hard enough. While still similar in some fundamental ways, I can confidently say I am a completely different person to who I was as little as a year ago. Worryingly, I think it is possible that Ive become even more ridiculous. But Ive also grown. Life has a wonderful way of constantly using experience to chisel your personality. I am re-shaped a little almost every day.
How do you guarantee that another person, going through the trials and tribulations of their own lives, will grow in the same direction as you? The idea of unconditional love is beautiful, but doesnt guarantee unconditional like. Not to mention the pressure of obligation. I like the idea of choosing to be with someone. Of coming home to them, because as they say, Why go out for burgers when you have steak at
home? I love the idea of rejecting all other candidates because I want to, not because Im told to.
Im not saying you cant still have that feeling in marriage, and I really do think it sounds like a beautiful union. But if it isnt for you, then please know, you are not betraying society, your culture, or in fact your womanhood. Its OK if each step you take is just towards the next one. Or towards Jake Gyllenhaal. That would be good, too.